INQUIRIES

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Thanks for dropping in. Liv 4 Today started out as mostly an infertility blog covering topics related to our journey and reflections on living through it. Things changed when on our fourth (and final) IVF transfer, we were finally blessed with a miracle. Beau William was born in August of 2017 and so our journey transitioned from one of infertility, to motherhood. Infertility will always be part of me, and it affects motherhood in ways that

I couldn’t imagine. Join us for this wild ride!

MIRACLES HAPPEN

EVERY DAY

February 4, 2018

December 24, 2016

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January 9, 2017

6th week is here and anxieties and fears are still running rampant. Unfortunately, this part of pregnancy after infertility is something I don’t think anyone could have adequately prepared me for. In the past, I would have perhaps even scoffed at the thought of being anything but grateful following a positive pregnancy test. And grateful I am, but early pregnancy also comes with many other less desirable feelings and emotions.

Today I should be filming my 6 week bumpdate for my vlog, but it’s already 3pm and for whatever reason I still haven’t brought myself to do it. I know a lot of my procrastination is rooted in fear. It is as though I refuse to acknowledge this pregnancy until I have been given unequivocal proof of its existence. That proof will never come, because nothing is certain in this life, and I know that. But yet I continue to guard my heart.

Part of why I am so guarded this week in particular is because in the last few days I’ve had some less than ideal symptoms.

1. RASH FRO...

January 4, 2017

So I woke up this morning feeling “less pregnant” than I have in a long time. I had energy, my boobs weren’t sore, I just felt kind of just fine… of course this was incredibly unsettling. The first thing I did when I popped out of bed was take a home pregnancy test hoping to ease my mind. Well that was a fail. It was lighter than it was 2 days ago.

Now I will admit, my afternoon tests seem to be consistently darker than morning tests. I’m not sure if that’s in some way due to the suppositories overnight, or my natural hormone fluctuations. Regardless an afternoon test from 2 days ago (well 1.5 if we’re being anal) in my mind should have been very similar to a morning test today. Perhaps I’m wrong, and a friend of mine tried to reassure me that she experienced the same thing and to not trust the sticks but it’s so very very hard.

That being said, many women have suggested I get a third beta to make sure my levels are rising appropriately so I finally caved and asked my RE (reproductive en...

January 3, 2017

First off, it’s been a while since I last posted so in case you’re wondering about beta #2 it almost doubled and came in at 379. I would have loved to have gotten at least a doubling rate within 48 hours but this is still very strong progression and promising for sure. My first ultrasound will hopefully be next Monday but I didn’t previously have an OB so getting an appointment has been tricky.

It’s been interesting this last week since our second beta… I’ve been anxious, happy, hopeful and downright scared. When I say this, a lot of people don’t understand. Everyone goes through some anxiety in early pregnancy people might argue, and that is very true, but what those who have never suffered with infertility don’t understand is just how magnified it is for those of us who struggled so significantly to get to this point in the first place. Fear is fear, and I don’t mean to discount anyone’s journey. We are each navigating our own paths and our feelings are valid. But what I try to make p...

December 25, 2016

So today is 9 days past our transfer, and if not for the holidays, would have been the day that we had our first beta. It sucks that we have to wait a couple extra days because of holiday hour closures etc. but in the end, a few days isn’t the end of the world. Feels that way a little bit right now simply because I’m so full of anxiety, but time will pass and next thing I know we’ll be anxiously awaiting beta #2.

That’s how it works anyway right!? Once you’re past one milestone, you’re simply worrying about the next… and the next… and the next. It’s never ending. If I can learn to let go a little bit now it’ll only serve me better in the long run. But it’s hard. Very hard.

See the thing about battling infertility is that you feel as though your body has failed you. You lack trust in your system knowing what to do, and also in its ability to do it. So yes I’m pregnant, but for that reason I’m struggling to really accept and enjoy it. Instead I’m filled with doubts about the viability, dou...

December 24, 2016

Guys… GUYS… it happened. I finally got my BFP!!! What!?!?! Never have I ever been blessed to see a second line. Not once in my life, and certainly not once in our 5 years actively TTC (trying to conceive). Shocking and exciting and nerve wracking and so many other things!

Check out our reactions and us sharing the long awaited news with family and friends below:

I had definitely been losing hope, and I think part of me simply couldn’t believe we’d ever get our happy ending after being disappointed time and time again. But on the flip side, perhaps that was just my way of guarding my heart. We protect ourselves the best we can I suppose.

Anyways, our lines have been getting progressively darker which is encouraging and I’ve been feeling increasingly unwell which is also welcomed as it gives me hope that all is progressing well.

It is obviously VERY early and there is always a risk for a chemical or miscarriage, so we really are trying to take it day by day, but we’ve never once made it this...

December 21, 2016

So of course I tested, and of course it was negative… Yesterday I tested just for kicks because I found an old expired first response digital test. Thought it would be fun and didn’t want to use it when I was hoping to trust the result since it’s expired. It was negative, as expected. Not only was it not first morning urine (as recommended) but it was also only 4 days past my 5 day transfer… so very early.

Then this morning I was scared to test, but caved because I had a first response early result (that I found along with the digital) that wasn’t expired and if anything was going to give me an accurate result the earliest it would be that test. Unfortunately it came up negative again, as did my cheap internet test strip. I had a cry, then talked myself out of my funk as best I could. It is only 5 days past the 5 day transfer after all.

I actually was chuckling to myself… I’ve been watching Friends (as I often do) and recently watched the episode when Phoebe transfers Frank & Alice’s emb...